From Azkaban with Love
by Vallory Russups
Summary: When Harry enters a special programme that allows correspondence with Azkaban inmates, he can't even imagine what his friendship with 'Tom' will bring. EPISTOLARY fic.
1. Chapter 1

Hullo! I've decided I want to post this here as well :)

The Potters are alive, Voldemort is in Azkaban (there is a reason, he's not just chillin' there for the heck of it), Harry is a curse-breaker, and there is actually a plot in this story. Some letters are light-hearted, some smutty (eventually), some crazy, some gloomy.

All the chapters will be short (300-2000 words), which dramatically increases its chances of updating (in fact, this is the only story of mine that stands a chance of being updated weekly).

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 _ **Chapter 1. That Awkward Introductory Letter**_

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Dear Whoever's-unlucky-enough-to-get-this,

I'm not really sure what made me pick up the quill and write aside from my friend Hermione's nagging. Mum says that you'll break out of prison, find me, rape me, and kill me. That it's unsafe. Then again, she grew up in the muggle world and has very strange ideas about what's safe and what's not. She thinks _Quidditch_ is unsafe, imagine that? And there are only around several dozen casualties caused by it every year.

Dad thinks that if you're in Azkaban, you're probably a Slytherin, and he thinks Slytherins aren't human enough to think about. He told me that if we ever meet, I should hex you in the balls. I was gracious enough to not point out that if you do manage to escape from Azkaban, 1, you will probably have other priorities than finding me, 2, you're not the kind of person who'll be hindered by some good nut-hexing.

Actually, I don't even know whether you have balls or not because the Ministry guy who signed me up was like 'Here's parchment, here's a quill, now make it work!'. They correspondents are chosen at random.

In any case, even if you do turn out to be a serial killer with a few deaths tucked under your belt and an obsessive stalkerish personality, I was pretty good at DADA at Hogwarts. Good enough to give Malfoy a coronary whenever someone nearby mentions the subject.

(His twitching is so fun that sometimes Hermione, Ron, and I covertly surround him on all sides and start saying nice things about me in turn, and watch to which side he shudders. It's almost… hypnotising.)

I work as a cursebreaker and although there are some pompous arseholes claiming that it's not a risky or thrilling job and that it doesn't require that much brains, they obviously haven't worked a second of it in their lives. Suffice it to say that I'm in the middle of dispelling curses on two objects right now, and my house's been turned into a battlefield. Current losses on my side include an ugly crystal angel who looked like he wanted to murder me in his sleep (RIP angel. Then again, it was a present from my horrid Aunt Petunia to my mum who later re-gifted it to me to decorate my new house. Thanks Mum), old sneakers, a vial of something Snape gave me years ago and I haven't touched, and a bottle of illegally smuggled French liquor. Current losses on the enemy's side haven't yet occurred but I'm pegging away at it.

For the opportunity to have this conversation you have to thank my friend Hermione. This charming lady whom I want to strangle only five times a day on average has been campaigning for years to make Azkaban more liveable and healthy. The Ministry isn't exactly enthusiastic. She claims that one of the ways to reduce suicide rates at the prison would be to make communication possible for the inmates, because many of them go insane without captivating conversation, apparently. My humble opinion is that removing Dementors who, y'know, are literally there to suck happiness and sow depression, would be more effective in promoting health and happiness… but, well, my opinion's too humble for Wizengamot.

Since the Aurors, including my Dad, were too afraid that contact between prisoners would make it easy for them to plan a breakout, it's been decided that every inmate will get one correspondent. All the letters have to pass through Aurors to ensure that they contain no objects, aren't cursed, not charmed to portkey the receiver to some faraway location.

If you're not bored out of your mind (if you still have a mind, because, from what I've heard, Azkaban isn't exactly a health resort), you could quickly pen something in reply?

You can start by answering the following questions:

How do you spend your days in prison? Do you make notches on stone walls? Do they feed you often? Can you befriend a Dementor?

Fuck do I suck at letter-writing. Why am I doing this again?

Harry Potter

P.S. The weird brown splotches on this letter happened because my friend Ron made a very inappropriate joke about Voldemort and snakes, and I was drinking. Good thing I didn't die. Having coffee soaking your letter is unfortunate but probably better than blood gurgles.

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Ron,

You made me spit coffee on the most painful piece of writing in my life. I hate you.

At least tell Hermione that I've caved in and sent it. Now, how can I send back this house-elf army holding posters with sad pictures and quotes about the suffering that prisoners endure in Azkaban?

Definitely not yours,

Harry

P.S. About Voldemort/Nagini pairing. How can it be called 'furry' when she's kinda not… furry?

* * *

Dear Harry,

Please don't take your anger out on Ron. Thinking that his best mate hates him negatively influences his psyche. Whenever Ron's psyche is influenced, he goes to his other best mate – namely me, if you have forgotten amidst all the sulking you do daily – and starts whinging and making those sad, sad, sad eyes to force me to play chess with him. And when I'm playing chess, I can't draft new bills to advance the cause of love and social justice in the magical world.

Think about house elves, muggleborns, werewolves, vampires, ghosts, hags, squibs, and everyone else who receives fewer freedoms because you insist on behaving like a lovechild of Draco Malfoy and Zacharias Smith.

Hermione Granger, a righteously furious witch

P.S. Boys, you are both silly and mixing up the terms. I believe that what Ron wanted to say was 'bestiality' – after all, Nagini is an animal, not a human dressed as one. I expect you both to check your terms in the dictionary before you use them.

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Not-dear-don't-think-I'll-forgive-you Miss Granger,

I've never raised you to be so passive-aggressively threatening.

Harry

P.S. Dictionaries suck.

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Dear Harry,

Thankfully, you didn't raise me at all.

Yours,

Hermione Granger, a witch respectful to libraries and all the books in them, including dictionaries, and whose house elves are always ready to instil love towards literature on command

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Dear Harry,

I was thrilled to receive vague veiled threats, coffee splotches, and confusing ramblings from you.

From the very first words of your letter I was delighted by the beauty of your chicken scrawl. It has been a while since my last visit to Hogwarts, so tell me, is it what they are teaching you there nowadays? Or are you just that special?

I take offense to the not-so-subtle jab about the state of my sanity. I am as sane as ever. In fact, I have retained enough presence of the mind to pick up a few clues from your letter that will allow me to find and deal with you once I leave this remarkable residence.

Your parents sound like noteworthy people. I remember annihilating the likes of your father by dozens back in the day.

And yes, I, indeed, 'have balls', but you were correct in thinking that hexing them is out of your reach.

I am highly surprised by your claim that you are a cursebreaker. I have spent my entire life under the delusion that only intelligent people follow this path. It seems there is a bad egg in every field. The only way you could possible redeem yourself is to tell me more about these cases you are pursuing – while I have never been a cursebreaker, I am proud to say that I have a fair share of knowledge in this area. Of course, my main preoccupation has always been how _to_ curse items.

What do I get if I answer your questions? Shall we play a 'question-for-a-question' game?

Here, I shall make a broad gesture and respond to yours first:

1) Boringly.

2) No.

3) No, they don't feed us, you are writing to a starved ghost.

4) Dementors are at their friendliest when they lean down, and you feel the ghostly touch of their hood, and the smell of rot washes over you, and all your worst memories explode behind your eyelids.

My questions: 1) Where do you live? 2) Tell me more about your parents. 3) Why did you decide to be a cursebreaker? 4) Does your friend Hermione plan any other similarly… enchanting campaigns?

I expect details.

It is a sign of my great boredom that I choose to continue correspondence (and the fact that, unfortunately, I am in no position to choose anything – had you inquired further, they would have told you that the prisoner is required to exchange letters as long as their pen friend from the outside world wishes to keep in touch).

Grateful to your friend Hermione and feeling blessed to have been gifted with such a fascinating interlocutor,

Tom

P.S. What tells you that _I_ am not Lord Voldemort (please keep in mind that people have been killed for less than forgetting to add the title of the most powerful wizard in world history)?

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To those reading my other fics: Tearing the Veil from Grace was updated last week, in case you've missed it. I wanted to post When Lies Turn into Truth next but have received such a sudden and welcome influx of readers for Design Your Universe that I'm working on that instead. Will post some progress on my tumblr (valloryr)!


	2. Chapter 2 Harry's Letter-Writing Feeling

Took a while, didn't it? For two reasons: 1) Bella's first letter. In my head the only way she responded to Hermione was to send a severed elf head or sth lol. 2) An important plot point. NOW THIS STORY IS HORCRUX/HARRY AS WELL AS HARRYMORT! Don't judge me. I'm weak. And I love me a good horde of Toms bitching at each other over a cute, flustered, and confused Harry 3

The next chapter is written and will be posted on Sunday.

Thank you so much for your reviews, I honestly didn't expect so many people to like it, considering how short it was! Love all of you so much!

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 _Chapter 2. Harry's Letter-Writing Feelings Are Hurt_

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Dear Tom,

You know, I would have never thought that any prisoner of Azkaban would be called... 'Tom'. I mean, it's such a sweet, fluffy name!

My mum used to have a miniature pet troll. Dad named him Tom. He was actually a fun troll, you know? Helped me sneak biscuits out of the jar when I was a kid, ripped apart Dad's papers when he pranked me, whacked Malfoy on the head once... Yep. A good troll.

One day, he went somewhere with Uncle Sev – the only reason why I call the bastard that is because it's fun to see his forehead veins pop... and because Mum is scary when I don't pretend he's my Weird Uncle whom I love as much as Siri and Remus (uh, actually, I don't) – anyway, the bloody bastard took Tom away from me. To this day, I'm afraid of asking which potions my friend went into.

So, please, if you're ever out of Azkaban, when you see a bat-like creepy guy swishing his cloak at you, don't go anywhere with him? I worry about you. You were such a jerk in your letter that you seem just the perfect person to blow away my self-esteem to smithereens, and what would I ever do without someone like you?

And here is my reaction to your letter: by Circe have I never met a bigger arsehole than you! Just for reference, I know Snape, Malfoy, Fudge, and Gringotts goblins.

Do you know how long I'd been writing the letter you so thoroughly criticised? Do you, eh?

I was going into this with a pure heart and a barrel of enthusiasm, and almost zero coercion. Yeah, I was kinda awkward but good intentions!

(Ginny-mode on)

Don't forget that you are actually _obliged_ to respond to whatever I'm scribbling here. It's for your own good and to save you from depression. Are you feeling saved?

Thought so.

But anyway, the point is: I'm in control. _I_ wear the pants in this relationship.

So, just play nice from now on, okay?

(Ginny-mode off)

(Haha I wish I could say this to actual Ginny)

I accept your game as long as there are not too many personal questions.

1) … Where do I live? Seriously? You haven't even lasted a single question before breaching forbidden territory! What if Mum's right and you really will come after me someday? Yep, but nope, thanks. I don't believe you knowing my address will make a difference but it's not something I want to be wrong about.

2) My parents are the awesomest people you'll ever meet… is what I want to say but I always forget that you won't be getting out of Azkaban anytime soon. Say hi to Dementors from my part.

3) I chose my profession because it's fun? Obviously. And beats being an Auror or working in Mum and 'Uncle Sev's apothecary.

4) Ooohhh, Hermione's achievements and campaigns will take a lot of time to tell, and that's only those I know about! Of course, she always tells me everything because I'm, you know, her friend, and we are in the same group together, but I tune her out most of the time. Maybe I'll ask her to write you, too? Wouldn't it be double as fun for you?

I don't really have questions... or rather, there are so many of them I can't even start listing them. What landed you in Azkaban and how long are you going to stay there? I guess this is a nice start.

Despite what I've written above, though, I truly do believe that the main purpose of exchanging letters is to help you, Tom. My friend went to Azkaban for a couple of months, for something she did under Imperius. She hasn't recovered since. And she's told me that the hardest thing is to hold on to happiness.

A prolonged exposure to Dementors doesn't just lead to depression and insanity; it can actually erase your happy memories. Studies were conducted by my friends, Blaise, Padma, and Pansy, but of course the fucking fools in the Ministry prevented it from appearing on shelves because it's one more arguments in favour of changing the prison system, which Fudge obviously doesn't want.

Thankfully, they've also found a certain trick to hinder the mind deterioration – actively thinking about joyful events in your life.

Hermione knows about this, of course, and that's the second important reason for this whole programme – we hope that by making prisoners concentrate on their happiness, their minds will be kept intact for a while longer.

Of course, your partner doesn't have to be me.

This is actually the second epistolary misadventure in my life. Dumbledore and Hagrid campaigned for letter exchanges between students of Hogwarts and Beauxbatons (Hagrid sucks at letter-writing even more than me but he really wanted to bang that hot Headmistress. They're married now). Even my super-nice cute pen pal Gabrielle criticised me half the time.

I don't have a filter. I can't structurize my letters the way Mum can. With me, it's like 'think a thought, write a thought'. I actually feel like Siri and Dad's lovechild.

Er...

So, I did a thing to cheer you up. There are some muffins in a package attached to this letter. I _want_ to say they're pretty and delicious as hell. They're not. I made them myself, and what can you expect from a single bachelor guy who lives off takeouts and whatever I can find on cursebreaking sites?

But I assure you, you won't suffer anything a potion can't heal.

I'd ask someone in the family but...

Dad cooks those amazing steaks and sausages but he sucks at baking. And mum... she decided to try out a recipe once. 'Fun, easy to make, you'll be blown away by the taste!' she said. Yeah, we were blown away all right.

Had to camp out between Ron and Blaise for the whole week it took to repair the house.

Take care!

Harry

P.S. Are you a fan of Voldemort? One of his copycats? That's so horrible! Not in a 'Oh, you kill people! Bad boy' (er... this, too, in fact) way but rather... Why is there so much plagiarism in our day? If you're a copycat, then you're a fan, and if you're a fan, don't you care about Voldemort's feelings? Imagine his sad tearful eyes looking down on you as you commit another murder that you've entirely ripped off! Try out something new instead! Be original! (Please don't ever tell my Auror father that I told you this).

* * *

Ron,

Can you imagine? Someone sent me a sealed letter with a Bubonic Plague Curse on it. I didn't open it, of course. Just redirected to a lovely lady.

Weird. I don't remember pissing anyone off lately.

Harry

P.S. Are you cheering for Holyhead Harpies or Chudley Cannons this Sunday?

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This chapter and the next are 'establishing contact' chapters before the plot kicks in.

See you, love you all!


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